Higgs Boson Found
 

 

 

"The boson is certainly larger than we expected. Our previous estimates had the particle pegged at about 1 millionth of a nanometer. Instead it turns out its closer in size to a ping-pong ball," said Dr. Adam Finder, researcher at Fermilab.

The boson, which is bright green in appearance, was discovered by the youngest member of the Yonz family, Barry age 9, when he was looking for the remote control to the TV. When Barry first happened on the particle, he was unsure of what it was.

"When I first pulled it out of the couch I thought it was the gobstopper I dropped in there last week," Barry went on to add that after further testing, his discovery was in fact the theorized Higgs boson which gives matter its mass, and that it tastes like raspberry.

"It does come as a surprise," said Finder. "We had been building particle accelerators for years trying to create one of the bosons in a lab by smashing protons together, but we were obviously just looking in the wrong spot."

In response to this discovery, scientists the country over have been applying for grants to begin a nation-wide search for any evidence of dark matter hiding behind old boxes in garages. The European Union meanwhile has just approved funding to build a gigantic, 13 km wide loveseat in hopes of discovering the even more elusive gluon.